journal

god, it's been such a while since I don't write here and for that I apologize.

me and my friends thought about getting togheter the week next of the last entry and I was excited about writing about it but it didn't worked. We kept postponning until I think we all forgot. But i was excited because it would be the first time I would be with a group of people that knows my new name and accepts me and are as much as excited as me in my transition. But that didn't worked out, as you can see. I've also quitted my job in the mean time (THANK FUCKING GOD)

me and my gender have been getting along quite well, except for the times I get insecure and I'm not sure if I'm really a guy or just transmasculine. But i guess I enjoy being a guy. It's fun. I thought it was influenced by the fact that in brazil you DO need to pick a gender to refer yourself as and I'm picking boy since I can't pick girl but no. I really like being a dude. Being just Some Guy.

lately i've been enjoying thinking of clothings. Masculine clothes. They seems extremely boring and simple but I'm slowly finding a style that fits me, thanks to keep looking at pictures of emo/grunge boys of pinteres for SO. LONG. (i get sooo jelous of them i wish i was a cis boy so bad,,,, i would be such a good cisgender boy,,,,).

thought about getting the art of dating but. I really don't think I want that. I'm a girl enjoyer and I don't think cis women want me and I don't know any trans women. plus there's the beautiful fact that I found out I'm not interested in other people. Like, I really just want to be by myself and want nothing else. :))
had thoughts about being ace but I guess i really am. If not, demisexual which is on the spectrum still so. yeah.

thanks for reading today's entry!!

PS: i didn't liked wearing the boxer panties at first but by the third time, i feel very comfortable with them. i think it's getting used to my size or smth like that. i'm gonna buy more of them.

for cultural reasons, today is valentine's day in brazil so a lot of stuff is in sale.
and i just impulsively boght a red boxer panties.

i was at one of the small shops at the mall that me and my friend are used to go in and i already got excited because it was playing a song i haven't listened to in years and i enjoy it. and casually walked to where that panties was. i was drawn to it in a weird way. maybe because it was red, maybe it looked like a masculine piece of clothing.

with the rithim of the song and my friend leaving me alone while she was looking for stuff that she enjoyed, i entered in a state of trance while holding that piece of clothing. i feel silly saying this but i'm not gonna lie, i felt an intimate connection with that clothing.
lately, as you can all tell, i have been feeling pretty shitty in relation to my gender to the point to even force myself back to behave like a girl because like. i really was commited to give up this whole thing, you know? but in that moment... i don't know how to say it but something there was telling me to not give up.
i don't know if it's because i finally found something that feels meaningful to me or maybe it was the lyrics and rhythm of the song pusling in my ears but i bought the panties.

well, to be fair, i bought the panties after some pretending that i couldn't care, and it wasn't much because this was just an impulsive buy which is not cool and many other forms of procastination and hesitation until i finally said "fuck it, i have money and i'll find a place to hide it later" and bought the boxer panties.

like i said before, it's red medium-sized - which i only looked after i bought it lol - and i would say it was the very first masculine clothing i felt good wearing, that i felt like i was myself, that i felt relief wearing it.

it was weird because all those masc. clothes that i used before, although good, it was still missing this breath of "finally" that only this panties seemed to have.

either way, i still need to keep it in a place without my family knowing about it.

there's this half-assed academy attempt in my apartment with a punching bag on it. tonight night, after my shift, i just let it all out. like, everything. all my pent up rage and tiredness and confusion. i screamed as loud as i could, too. i think i could rip it off with my bare hands and strengh.

i feel rejected. rejected and forgotten and left out by anything and everything.

i don't pass in job interviews, i'm not the greatest person when it comes in friendships - and i can barely keep one up -, my family doesn't take me seriously (and probably me neither), and nobody seems to care about me.

and all of this makes me feel like giving up on this trans thing. it's tiring, pointless and stupid. why am i even doing that? what am i even doing with my life? if i just need to wake up tomorrow to survive, i don't see why being transgender matters.

i don't know how to explain how from this entry to the last was to me, since i didn't write about anything because i was just. so tired to do this. or anything at all.

i feel tired and drained. the gender apathy thing caught me so much that i'm even re-thinking this whole trans story. personal stuff happened and my confidence shot down, even lower. i think the only thing keeping me alive and out of bed is my job.

and it's not even great. i get home so mentally drained that i can barely move and do my notural routines.

i have a sense that not feeling comfortable with my gender is not helping, but also i can't stop quit it. i can't help but feel silly and that i'm doing a waste of time, since no one takes me seriously (shout out to my friends tho. they are amazing).

shit, even my sister that was the most supportive, pratically doesn't use my correct name and i can't even correct because she'll say she needs to get used to it - she doesn't even try.

i told my family that i'm trans and my new name. they didn't accepted me and ignored it, excpet for my sister.

my family (aka the people i live with) isn't much bigger and two already knew but i insisted on saying because to me felt like a secret, something that i still needed to keep to myself. so, frustrated after work, i just corrected my sister to my new name and, like before, my mom denied, almost laughing from disbelif and nervousness.

my aunt just said that she will still be using my given name - and that i'm the one who should get used to it - and my grandma nothin0g said, until i pressed on the matter and she told me, with a dead face, that this was bullshit, nonsense and faggotry.

it was also revealed that she was the one who wanted to have a boy named angelo.

i am now re-thinking this name.

this backlash was awful. i don't feel anything but old word i missed called "gender apathy".

at least they just ignored me, and not did anything else. and now my friends can freely use my name and pronouns in front of my family and not out me without meaning.

i feel more comfortable in relation to my gender today.

well, in relation to other days, today - at least tonight - i feel very comfortable in saying that i'm trans and using masculine pronouns.

i try not to think or see my body on mirrors and reflexions because it seems like a reminder that i'm not what i think i am.

but overall i feel it's been a good progress since that day

i just wanted a change in my life.

i don't wanna feel like i'm trapped in this existence of mine and that i should do what others want me to do and expect of me, not what i like.

sometimes seems like an absurd wanting something different in what's expected. i'm angry at that. they already don't take my gender seriously so obviously anything i say and do differently, they won't like it and tell me i'm careless and crazy.

they want the best for me but i'm afraid that they say that in their opinions, not something that makes me happy. at least is my day off and i can relax and i won't need to be thinking of anything.

after [Personal] and read my tarot cards and once again described my fruitless love life, my dysphoria threw me back to the closet. it was so awful i don't even feel like a boy, rather a girl trapped in a life she is destined to live but fucking hates it.

it really is like i was back at square one but this time with the knowledge that i'm transgender.

it seems my mom didn't accepted that i'm trans :/
she really just denied everything because i was born a girl.

i shouldn't feel surprised or hurted over that since she always made sure that i was her baby girl over and over but i gues i held on too much on the idea of she accepting me, since it was told me one day she wished she had a baby boy.

but what i didn't expected it's how my dysphoria got worse over that. like, i was already comfortable enough in my gender so really, this shouldn't have been an issue.

it's freeing, for me now to talk about my gender and new name with this but i feel horrible at the same time.

woke up feeling unwell. i don't feel anything if not an emptiness through my whole body. i think it's dysphoria but i don't know exactly of what.

sometimes i wonder if i'm able to be trans, if this transgender thing thing works for me because maybe it would be way easier be a girl and pretend to act as such.

the antidrepressants doesn't seems to be working very well but ritalin makes me more active to work 'cuz i simple don't have energy for it.