Well, I guess I'm restarting this again.
I guess I couldn't restart more because I thought I finally had moved on from my depression but I guess one can't just make depression go
away with a magic wand specially if it's repression.
That's right, everybody! I was repressed (or in this case, repressing)!
I'm trans!
I guess I was just in an awful denial phase where I kept all my gender thoughts at bay and didn't wanted to further them anylonger because I really thought they... weren't really anything. I was awfully annoyed at this thoughts because I wanted to have some overlying issue instead of ...that.
It's weird, really. I just thought that I personally couldn't be one, you know? Like, those trans people are obviously trnas, even if they had doubts, they still knew for sure.
But I guess I didn't wanted to believe. My eggshell was a pretty tough to crack but I believe it maybe would, eventually, or I would end up just hurting myself (because I really was starting to warm up the idea to do stuff I didn't like to).
So, here we are now. A fresh new start with a fresh new gender! What now?
I have no Fucking clue because I am pissed.
Being trans is fucking awful, my god.
Specially for me because I was very repressed.
I might kill a guy and say it's because I am transgender because I am so annoyed at this, partially because it was so obvious all along but at the same time every little thing would push me back so much further in the closet and another is that I've been realizing that Yeah. I should Have stayed in the closet. Because right now, at least, I feel like I can't do much!
Honestly I just realized I wanted to transition because somene on tumblr made a post with a screenshot that sums up a person complaining looking feminine and if that bothers them so much they should transition. And I guess I can't really do that because... a mixture of both needing money and it takes time and I have some priorities at hand.
Man, I really didn't wanted to be transgender. I wanted to find myself but, fuck, not like this.
It's funny how I never thought I would make a personal post about me but since my egg crack, I don't think I can keep it all to myself anymore. I'm tired of pretending and I'm tired of keeping myself quiet, and I'm just tired of everything. And I still have a lot to deal with.